Looking through old photos, and notice how much I’ve changed… 

Well. This is incredibly upsetting. Only 6 years have gone by, and my life has turned upside down.  
I’ve turned my life into a hole of emptiness. I need to find the sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Looking at this picture, I see the girl who has not yet lost her father and brother, the girl who was not yet a caregiver of the world. The girl who actually took care of herself. I remember those days well, but yet they seem so far away. I used to try to get every bit of physical activity I could, and sleep was something I barely thought about; something that had to be done, but just a bit was more than necessary to get me through the work day. I loved eating healthy foods; eating was always enjoyable but I ate to live, not lived to eat. Now, sleep is the only love I look for in life. This huge, dark cloud of Narcolepsy has turned me from my energetic, happy, healthy self into this blob of self hatred and exhaustion. No energy to get up and function in the morning, but there are children to feed and and bills to pay- so I drag every ounce of willpower I have I make myself get into the shower and look semi-functional. At work, I am so thankful to the good Lord above that he has still blessed me with the ability to complete my job adequately, and that I’ve been able to somewhat hide this cloudiness in my mind from my coworkers, friends, and family. Of course, I’ve had to tell some, with my doctors appointments, and sometimes I just feel as if I want to talk to someone about my issues; but I’m always addressed with the blank stare of confusion and surprise, and awkward swing of conversation to something more light hearted. It’s ok for them to make fun of all these other people that have “let themselves go” or “gotten so fat” at the lunch table, as I try to look down at my salad and yogurt and feel how tight my pants have gotten and how I wish I wouldn’t get winded so easy lately. I try to exercise, even just in small doses to work up to halfway of what I used to do, but it takes all of me to get through the work day; then I am running errands for my ailing mother in law, going to kids sports practices, and trying to stay awake through all of it while I want to sneak away and nap through it all- but yet I don’t want to as well, because I’m overwhelmed by the amount of laundry, dishes, and all other housework that has to be done when we get home. All amidst the kids saying, what’s for dinner? 
Life goes on, as well as living with Narcolepsy, but for now, I need to make this downward curve swing up. Since my official diagnosis 2 years ago, I was skeptical how much this would change me, my life, and my relationships; but I will not let this get the best of me.

#reflection #narcolepsysucks 


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